Peter Petrie Egg Separator

It’s an egg separator, and yes the egg whites do drip out of this little man’s nose, and yes this is REAL, not a joke.

I’m completely serious, you can actually buy this egg separator at a REAL online store by clicking on this link http://www.stupid.com/fun/EGSP.html.

I’m not really sure what they were thinking when they designed this thing, but I can say that this is definitely going on my list of must have presents that I send out to my relatives before my birthday. I’m sure your mother-in-law is dying to have one as well.

A Bottle of Charles Shaw

There’s no one in the world who doesn’t love a little two buck chuck. This is practically axiomatic. This mother’s day, your mother-in-law will fall in love once again with the great wine country of Napa Valley California (or she’ll just look at you awkwardly and you’ll start overhearing her making compliments about what a nice boy your wife’s old boyfriend was).

A Cactus

I know that cacti have become intensely fashionable as gifts in the last couple of years. I know that people DO give cacti as gifts to people that they care about. I understand, and you don’t need to explain this to me. So don’t leave comments calling me an intolerant beast because I rip on cacti.

But having said this, I must also say that cacti are FAR FAR too semiologically loaded to serve as mother’s day gifts for your dear old mother. Really. Don’t play around with this one. Your poor old mother deserves better.

On the other hand, a cactus might just be the best way to show your mother-IN-LAW that you care. Why not?

The Blue Pill Wonder

Viagra. Yes I know, what is she supposed to do with this is what you’re thinking. Well slipping it in her hubby’s drink would work. The umm…benefits, would certainly get her off your back if it was lack of lovin’ that was causing her crabbiness. If not, she could always conduct her own Erectile DysFlower Experiment.

Butt/Face Soap

Let’s go into the pros and cons of giving your mother-in-law butt/face soap for mother’s day. (In case it’s not self-explanatory, one side of the soap is for your face and the other is for your rear end. This way you don’t have to touch both… …you get the idea.)

Pros:

Your mother-in-law will never wash her face and her rear end with the same side of the soap, EVER AGAIN. I’m counting on this being enough to convince you that this gift brings a whole heaping spoon full of genuine use-value for which your mother-in-law will be forever grateful.

Cons:

Your mother-in-law may never speak to you again. (If appropriate, you may move this one over to the “pros” list.)

Your mother-in-law may be offended by the word “butt” itself.

Your mother-in-law may not get the joke. (Please don’t explain it to her. This will only make things worse.)

Your mother-in-law may not appreciate this subtle intimation that there is a major difference in cleanliness between one side of her and the other. Proceed with caution. http://www.stupid.com/fun/BFSP.html

The eDrugstore writing team has hundreds of articles published online and in print, covering everything from sexual health, to dating advice, entertainment and more. eDrugstore.MD, a safe online pharmacy offers a wealth of health knowledge as well as great Entertainment.

Does your brain get twisted into a pretzel trying to decipher how her brain works? Wondering what to do? MLT’s relationship expert clears it all up for you.

In this day and age, mankind has figured out how to engineer a nanoparticle to walk the dog, bring in the mail and empty the crumbs from the kitchen toaster. And yet, your lady (or the lady you want) can still confound you with wants and needs you just don’t understand. Is there some way to hack into this FOS (Female Operating System)? Maybe an online translator that can interpret the language of the modern girlfriend? Well, we can’t clue you into every inexplicable thing she does. But we can highlight the most familiar (no doubt) scenarios and give you a cross-sectioned, 3-D snapshot of her brain at that moment along with a little bonus perspective. Here, the top 10 confounding girlfriend mysteries, defounded:

Mystery No. 1: She wears killer shoes.

She insists on wearing shoes that have no resemblance to the human foot, then complains that her feet are killing her.

Her brain:

She knows how sexy these skyscraper heels make her legs look — no matter what her weight. (Bonus: Unlike her other clothes, her shoes always fit since her feet stay the same size.) There is a God.

How to handle:

Don’t even try to convince her that loafers are sexy. Besides, you too like how those heels make her stems look! Just make sure she has a chair, stool or lap to sit on at all times.

Mystery No. 2: She’s fickle with frenemies.

She can go from BFF to mortal enemy with someone within 48 hours (and revert back in 72).

Her brain:

They talk a lot more than guys, start talking younger, and in general, use a lot more words. So of course women argue more — it’s a numbers game.

How to handle:

Is this really crazy behavior? What do two boxers do at the end of bloody fight? They hug like old high school pals. See, we aren’t that different. Just try to jump ahead and envision her endgame, and you’ll get fewer surprises.

Mystery No. 3: Her self-esteem is a fashion victim.

An article of clothing can make her feel thin or fat.

Her brain:

Since she’s been old enough to point and say “I want,” she has been subliminally and not so subliminally marketed to. Of course she actually believes that those pants — and this hairspray, that lip gloss and that perfume — can actually make her into a different person (the pushup bra excluded, ingenious wicked invention that was).

How to handle:

Tell her that nothing makes her look fat to you and that her skinny clothes indeed make her look very lean. She’ll roll her eyes at how dumb you are in the first scenario (“Just look at my ass in that skirt! It needs its own zip code!) and smile at the second.

Mystery No. 4: She gets flash hunger attacks.

When she gets hungry, she has to eat “right now” or she’ll faint. (Didn’t she see it coming?)

Her brain:

It’s just wired more delicately when it comes to intake and output of energy. Because of hormonal changes throughout the month, at times she needs more “fuel” than others. Plus, she’s by nature a caretaker, so tuning into her own grumbling stomach comes last. Result: You have that girl clawing at you to stop at a 7-Eleven for a snack of nuts … or anything!

How to handle:

Don’t take this as a nuisance; see it as a fantastic opportunity to look like a great guy when you stop to get her a yogurt or banana.

Mystery No. 5: She clonesher clothes.

She buys multiple items of clothing that look exactly the same.

Her brain:

Girlfriend: “How does this look?” (You squint. Don’t say it. Don’t! We warned you.) You: “Don’t you have one just like it?” The consequences: She rewards you with a long list of reasons why the second identical little black thingie is better than the first.

How to handle:

Instead of stating the obvious, the correct response would have simply been, “Great!” Plus, now you know what to get her for Valentine’s Day: something that looks exactly like something she has.

Mystery No. 6: She bans many foods.

One food can become vilified virtually overnight. (Salad dressing has to be on the side, etc.)

Her brain:

Every week, magazine after magazine uncovers a new reason America is obese. Add to this the Armageddon-like disaster of a hint of cellulite somewhere, and no wonder she can count a meal’s calories faster than you can say, “We’re ready to order.”

How to handle:

Encourage less neurotic eating habits, and make sure to over-tip the poor bullied waitress who was interrogated about e-v-e-r-y s-i-n-g-l-e ingredient in her dish.

Mystery No. 7: She’s BFFs with celebs.

She feels perfectly entitled to talk about an actress/singer/socialite and that celebrity’s outfits/boyfriend/makeup in detail, though she’s never actually met her (and probably never will).

Her brain:

She’s grown up with Lindsay and Britney. Their pain has been hers; their struggles and successes hers as well.

How to handle:

You can either fight the power by making her clarify “Lohan” or “Spears” every time or just know that it’s one of 20 celebs that are pretty much interchangeable anyway.

Mystery No. 8: She preps forever.

“Throwing on some jeans” takes at least half an hour.

Her brain:

Looking “spontaneous” takes time and effort. Her mental process: “Makeup, a touch-up with the curling iron … hmm, maybe I’ll floss while it warms up. Better cover up that zit too.”

How to handle:

Take a chill pill on this one.

Mystery No. 9: She hairballs the pipes.

Much like steel wool, small dense nests of her long hair clog the sink and shower drains constantly.

Her brain:

She has to trim, color, style, straighten, curl and fluff. We assume you don’t.

How to handle:

This is the price you pay for her beauty: having to yank this stuff out of bathroom pipes. Just look unphased.

Mystery No. 10: She’s 360-degree self-obsessed.

She’s as obsessed about looking as good from the back and sides as from the front (hence the yoga-inspired contortions in front of the mirror to inspect herself from all angles).

Her brain:

Half the time people look at her, it’s from the back, right?

How to handle:

Keep in mind you benefit when you get a glimpse of that thong peeking out from her pants — which she’s totally aware of. See how it all works?

Tis the season to go shopping, at least historically it has been. But what, if anything has changed this season.  To start off with, at first glance all the media is gearing up for the years busiest month for retailers, both on and off line. The ads are starting to show up, the malls are fancied with their best ornamentation and the sound of your favorite Christmas carols are being piped in from Muzak 24/7.

This past Veterans Day in the Northeast corridor of the US,  encountered gorgeous sunny weather and everywhere you looked, parking lots were overflowing with cars and people. Veterans Day is always a good barometer for gauging shopping patterns for the upcoming season. And by any estimate, people were out in droves.

The official kick off to the Holiday shopping season has been recently (early 1970′s) called  ”Black Friday“. It is in reference to the once common accounting practices that would use red ink to show negative amounts and black ink to show positive amounts. Black Friday, under this theory, is the beginning of the period where retailers would no longer have losses (the red) and instead take in the year’s profits (the black).

In the past few years a new day has been designated as “Cyber Monday” which refers to the Monday immediately following Black Friday, the ceremonial kick-off of the holiday online shopping season in the United States between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Both Black Friday and Cyber Monday are erroneous in regards to being the busiest shopping days of the year.  The most hyped days yes, the busiest in regards to money exchanging hands, no. Those days are actually closer to December 25th and to be precise the 10 days leading up to Christmas.  After all you have to remember that men hate to shop. We are procrastinators, so we always wait for the last minute.  It is with our help, that the busiest days in regards to actually selling products,  are the days closest to the arrival of Kris Kringle and is band of flying Reindeer.

While this past Veterans Day was jam packed with people and all the usual signs of the holiday shopping season are in place, it is with a discerning heart that I make this statement. This will be the worse holiday shopping season, we have seen in over 30 years.

For those who are regular readers to this blog, I think you know that I am far from being a pessimist. Unfortunately this statement is not one to create more fear in the consumer conscience, but a plea to prove me wrong.  There is absolutly nothing on the near horizon to make me think any different and all the signals that store owners rely on, help to make this statement with conviction.

I hope I am wrong! I could take the next ten paragraphs explaining why I believe this as gospel. But I have this feeling anyone reading this post, will, in their gut, agree with it.

Yes there will be exceptions to this statement, perhaps the fast food restaurants will do better, or the liquor store on the corner. But as a whole, across the board, consumer confidence will show, that we are far from seeing any break to the dismal economy. An economy that was been plaguing us for the past eighteen months.

I am not adverse to eating that delectable foul we all know as CROW. I will be happy to sit down and eat it every last feather on New Years Eve,  if I am proven wrong.  So if the prospect of me devouring this delicacy will prompt just a few of you to go out and spend a few extra dollars this holiday season, then let me tell you now,  I am salivating already!